LOSING A LOVED ONE: GRIEF PASSES
By Annie Sullivan
After losing a special person in your life, the people around you typically fall in to three categories when it comes to acknowledging your loss:
1. Those who say the right thing
2. Those who say nothing (which, sometimes could be the right thing)
3. Those who say the wrong thing
After Chloe died, I had to navigate through the things that people said and allow grace where it was necessary, and not let the awkwardness of those who sincerely didn’t know what to say or do, influence how I viewed them. So, in my mind, I created these imaginary “business-type” cards. I call them “grief passes”. And I own a FAT stack. Grief passes are great for when people mean well but are at a loss for words. Or a loss of what to do. Because no matter how many times people experience loss, it never gets easier. There is never a “right” way to cope, there is no magic formula to make things better. Grief passes are essentially an allowance for those around you to grieve *your* loss in their own individual way. When you lose a child, and someone compares that loss to the loss of their 110 yr old grandmother, no, it’s not the same. They get a grief pass for trying to relate. They mean well, but miss the mark. When someone says, “I can’t even imagine!!”. No, you can’t even imagine, and I hope you never have to feel what I feel. And here’s your stupid pass. (It’s very easy to default to frustration, even anger, even with those you love.) When someone just looks at you, staring blankly… they automatically get a pass. When people see your four boys and comment “you didn’t try for the girl?!” Obviously, they get a pass, because a shoe to the head is rarely acceptable in any situation. Strangers get a TON of passes. But they don’t know your story. You can’t get upset with someone who makes a comment that unknowingly shreds your heart. They simply have no idea. Pass. Pass. Pass. Early on, there were days when I felt like Oprah giving passes away. “You get a pass! You get a pass! EVERYONE GETS A PASS!!” Most of the times when people approach you, and don’t know what to say… That’s okay, I don’t know what to say either. We both get a pass.
Grief passes are a way for us to get through. A way to allow grace to those who want to fix our brokenness but have no idea where to even begin. For those who show up, but trip over words, or put their foot in their mouth because the situation sucks that bad. Because nobody is perfect. Nobody knows exactly the right thing to say all the time. Nobody. And the amount of passes you give to those close to you? You would be surprised. But it’s an extension of grace. An allowance. Everyone around you is grieving in their own way, and everyone could use a little help.
There are times though, when you find yourself giving passes over and over to the same person, and you realize that maybe, just maybe, they don’t deserve any more passes. When you find yourself excusing behavior because you think you are allowing them to grieve in their own way, but then you realize that their behavior toward you has returned to pre-grieving behavior. That’s when it’s time to hold your passes a little closer to your chest. And while you want to truly believe that everyone is hurting the way you are, and that everyone has your best interest at heart, it’s not always the case. It is not always easy to self-preserve in times of grief, but it is ultimately necessary for your sanity. Grief passes only go so far. Grief is not an excuse to mistreat people or lose your manners. Lose your mind, maybe… but you should still respect others and love them through the loss. Even if it means backing off. I can’t tell you the number of notes I received that started with “You don’t need to respond, but…” {enter a deep sigh of relief} and basically just letting me know that my family was on their mind, in their thoughts, on their prayer lists, etc. Those are the best kinds of correspondence. No expectation. Just genuine love and concern. Those are the types of people who allow you to keep some passes in your pocket for others.
So, if you see me, and don’t know what to say, or say the wrong thing, it’s okay. I have a few passes left.
