HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE?

By: Kara Washington  

How long does it take to get over the death of a husband, a wife, a son, a daughter, a mother, a father, a sister or brother? The average corporate bereavement policy suggests that employees typically need three paid days off for an immediate family member. A policy that offers up to five days is considered generous. 

When my husband Chad died five years ago, it took me two days to muster up the courage to tell our son, Amare, that his dad had died. On the third day, I was still numb and in disbelief that Chad was in fact gone. Thankfully, my job was beyond accommodating and allowed me ample time to take care of business and plan an amazing memorial for Chad. I was very fortunate to have an outstanding support system that stood right by my side throughout the entire process of planning Chad’s funeral. But naturally, when the celebration of life was over, everyone had to return to their regular schedules and normal routines. This, of course, is the moment when things get real for those closest to the deceased. Those who no longer have a “regular” to return to.

I immediately sought out grief support groups for myself and Amare. I was absolutely clueless as to how to help our five-year-old son process the fact that his father was gone. I needed Amare to understand that Chad was not coming back, but at the same time, my greatest fear was that he would eventually forget his dad altogether. Billy’s Place was absolutely our saving grace. They challenged us to embrace the grief instead of trying to breeze past it and gave us the courage to do what worked for us, with little to no regard as to how it made those around us feel. This ultimately led to an organic filtration of our immediate circle, leaving us surrounded by only those who were capable of meeting us where we were in our grief walk.

Instead of trying to forget Chad and all of the amazing memories that we shared as a family, we elected to celebrate him and talk about our cherished memories on a regular basis. On our first grief-stricken Christmas, four months after Chad died, Amare and I, along with fifteen other family members, wrote letters to Chad and released balloons to heaven.

Instead of subconsciously or even consciously trying to erase Chad from our lives or pretend he was never there, we have deliberately taken intentional measures to make sure that Chad remains a very present and significant part of our family. We are not in denial about the fact that he will never physically return to earth, at the same time, we cannot neglect the impact Chad had on our lives while he was here.

In the microwave world that we live in, the loss of your loved one will likely be a newsflash today, that society expects you to practically get over by tomorrow, or when they feel like you should be over it. In reality, granting each other the necessary time or space needed to process emotional matters in a healthy manner, is likely to have a far greater and longer lasting benefit for everyone. The loss of an immediate family member is about as personal as it gets, and the time and measures taken to recover cannot be a one-size-fits-all approach. Successfully conquering grief is a very hands-on activity that has to be intentionally pursued. It is not something that happens overnight, or within the timeframe of any corporate grief policy. Grief is uncomfortable, yes, but conquering it is not impossible. The truth is, getting over my husband’s death was never my goal. How could I expect to “get over” such an incredible love? Instead, my focus was and continues to be the intentional pursuit of peace and happiness for my son and me. I would like to encourage every grieving family to own their grief. Do not let society or those around you define what it should look like. No matter how painful, difficult or awkward working through it may feel, your efforts will not be in vain, and over time you will indeed heal.