FINDING HOPE: A DAD’S PERSPECTIVE
Matt Roeder had heard about Billy’s Place but didn’t think he and his family would ever need grief counseling or family support like the kind Billy’s Place provides.
Tragically, though, Matt and his 17-year-old son, Jace, were on a father-son road trip in October 2016 when they were in a devastating car accident that claimed Jace’s life. Thrown into grief, Matt and his family decided to see if Billy’s Place could provide some help… some comfort… something…
Matt is a guy comfortable opening up and sharing his feelings, but he wasn’t really sure what to expect from an organized group like Billy’s Place. Initially, he was admittedly skeptical, but knew he was hurting and was willing to see what Billy’s Place had to offer. Those first few sessions at Billy’s Place were tough, but eventually Matt, his partner Kallie, and their son Kingston became regulars at Billy’s Place group nights. And they never missed the big events like Hike for Hope, Winter Wonderland, the Butterfly Release and Children’s Grief Awareness Day’s candle-lighting ceremony.
“Every chance we had to come in and be at Billy’s Place and be part of the Billy’s Place family, we did,†Matt said.
Matt’s family found comfort spending time with other families also going through loss. And Matt quickly became one of the last guys to leave at the end of a group night because of the power of peer support. He saw how much it helped the men coming to group nights.
“The guys, specifically, do better in that kind of group environment, when we’re not trying to be fixed. It’s not a therapy session. It’s more of an opportunity for everyone to share and see where people are at with their experiences. Their loss. And the men can look across the room and see another dad who has lost a child and know that he gets it, he gets me, and we can communicate on that level.â€
Matt has also seen the power of peer support in the mixed groups (men, women, and couples). “Grief is such a powerful conglomerate of emotions, it can be hard for couples to communicate one-on-one, but identifying with another dad or mom in the group can help bring up difficult subjects in a comfortable and safe environment,†he says.
Almost five years after his son’s death, Matt is now a trained facilitator at Billy’s Place, helping other parents in the Loss of a Child group. “As a family, we can use our experience as a beacon,†Matt explains. “Everyone understands that the loss is real, and so is the recovery. It’s not something you ever get over, but you can move forward.â€
As a facilitator, Matt’s shares the Billy’s Place curriculum, and he likes to leave plenty of extra time for the group to just talk. He has made some lifelong friends at Billy’s Place and looks forward to seeing them at group nights and enjoys chatting with them around the fire-pit outside. It might be about the recent Suns game, the newest restaurant to open, home improvement projects, you name it. They talk just like any other group of friends.
How Matt Found Hope at Billy’s Place
“When I have a dream about Jace or meet someone else with his name, those are beacons of hope for me. Initially, for the first 6 months or so, those things were triggers. They hurt and usually made me cry. Now, I appreciate them. It’s a slow turning of this corner. But now, if I have a dream about Jace, it may be a moment where I think what would he be doing now, he would be 22. Or, I look back on something he did when he was 4. It gives me a great appreciation for our 17 years.â€
For Matt, it isn’t just hope for the future, but his belief in life-long healing. And he draws much of that healing from his role as a facilitator and from peer support from others at Billy’s Place.
“In a selfish way, there is so much healing for me in being a facilitator and it’s such an uplifting experience for me to be able to lead that group and to be able to share, hear, and support everyone. It is also part of my grief journey. I, personally, hope the healing never ends.† – Matthew Roeder, Jace’s Dad
