CARSON’S STORY

By: Tracy von Aspen

And we wept that one so lovely should have a life so brief ~ William Cullen Bryant

Carson Robert von Aspen
7/10/2000 to 6/12/2018

I remember reading once, it’s not the dates that hold meaning, it’s how you live between the dashes. How true that rings as I reflect on all the love, joy, pride, colliding with anguish, heartbreak and loss all packed into 17 years.

Carson was our first child and as we later found our only son, after the addition of two daughters (15 and 12). I used to joke with him that with a birthday in the year 2000, I’d easily remember his age.

Carson was a bright, quiet, yet inquisitive child. He took his time contemplating, analyzing and choosing his words carefully. So much so, he didn’t speak sentences or utter more than 5 words before the age of 3. He had a high IQ, but never made others feel inferior and I believe at times he struggled to express himself in the traditional ways of academia.

Carson’s strengths in addition to playing Varsity basketball, pick up games and flag football included his deep empathy and understanding of others. He understood the intricacies of football and basketball plays, anticipating his opponents. He understood his friends, their struggles and deeply hurt when they did. He understood children not annoyed by their innocence, he could often be found with a cousin on his back, playing or reading to younger students at his school, or being silly, teasing his sisters.

He had a close group of friends, many whom were female and his sister Lauren, his best friend. He was patient with others, a great listener and encourager. I believe he would have made an excellent teacher or coach. He had a special bond with his grandmother, Liz and up until his death could be found helping set up her home peritoneal dialysis, spending time with her and enjoying her spoiling him whenever she could.

Carson attended and graduated from Glendale Preparatory Academy on May 19, 2018. He was close to many classmates, some he had known since third grade. He had plans of enlisting in the United States Army with the intention of becoming a psychologist, specializing in PTSD treatment for active and retired military.

Tragically, Carson died by suicide 24 days after watching him graduate high school; 3 days before leaving on a scheduled weekend trip with his close friends before they started their next adventure; 28 days before his 18th birthday.

Carson will forever remain 17, just as our family will forever be broken; he the vital missing piece. He left no warning, note, reason, explanation or rationale as to his state of mind. In our fear for our girls, reeling to comprehend our loss we found Billy’s Place.

Billy’s Place has been an amazing resource in the west valley for Erik and I as we co-parent survivors of suicide. When we thought there was no direction, Billy’s Place gave us a path in the form of hope. Hope in acknowledging our grief and a path to guide us through. Not only had we lost our son but our daughter, her best friend and our youngest, both her siblings; one to suicide and one to grief.

We just journeyed through our year of firsts. First birthday, first holidays and his one year angelversary. Billy’s Place remains an integral part of supporting us, allowing our daughters to express their feelings, find support in talking with others and discovery of their own voice, their story.

They have given me the confidence to continue to tell Carson’s story in the safety of other grieving parents who cry and laugh along with us.

I never want to forget any of those 17 years regardless of knowing the outcome. I have since started Carson’s Crusaders with the following goals:

-To help spread awareness that suicide affects every age, race, sex and religion and continues to be a leading cause of death in ages 10-35.
-To encourage schools and athletic departments to add resiliency and mental health education as part of their curriculum.
-To educate students to take charge of their school, by being present, looking and listening to their friends and reporting concerns to a trusted adult.
-To continue to demonstrate Carson’s love for others.

Together we keep his memory alive by the establishment of a scholarship in Carson’s name, participating in the AFSP Out of Darkness Walk, lobbing with other parents for the passing and signing of Senate Bill 1468, retiring and honoring his varsity number in the gymnasium and hosting an annual 3:3 basketball tournament in his name each year in June.
None of this possible without the fear of failure but the confidence and support to move forward, gleaned from my grief group meetings at Billy’s Place.

We are blessed to have met and connected with Billy’s Place families; supporting one another in various events (memory hikes, candle lighting, holiday celebrations, butterfly release) to help us honor and remember our loved ones.

We will never get over our grief, we carry it as we carry Carson, for as long as we live. We have started the life-long journey of learning to walk with grief, acutely aware of its existence and rising to see another day. Billy’s Place, a constant place of refuge through a sea of countless waves and undertow, as we drift towards our final destination and once again are reunited with Carson.

Thank you for hearing my story.

Tracy von Aspen, Carson’s mom